Unfinished Thoughts
by Ilyanna
Summary: Adrian has to deal with the loss of Sydney, and figure out a way to find her and bring her back.
1. Chapter 1

**Unfinished Thoughts – Chapter 1**

I had been trying to reach Sydney in her dreams every single day for the past month without any success. At first I thought it might be a side effect of the pills, even though I had stopped taking them the day she'd been taken. It was hard not to feel guilt over not being able to visit her in her dreams. It felt like I hadn't been trying hard enough, that spirit was failing me. As if by trying to block it with the pills I had weakened my powers and it was my fault Sydney hadn't come back from wherever she was yet.

Deep down, if I looked closely enough, I knew that wasn't true, but it was hard to keep hold of what was real and what wasn't when the dark moods took over me. It had been happening much more frequently lately, but I couldn't rely on the pills anymore. I tried drinking to the point where I couldn't say my name anymore, and it worked magnificently until the feeling of guilt was more powerful and overwhelming than any of my dark moods could ever be.

Sometime along the past month, I decided that dropping out of college would be a good idea, but in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it. Sydney was the one who had believed in me, the only person who never made excuses for me. The memory of her saying that she trusted me is still as clear as day on my mind, and there is nothing more important than that trust for me right now. I couldn't betray it. I couldn't betray _her_. So I continued dragging myself to classes and avoiding any places where liquor was sold, because an irrational part of me believed that if I were good enough, if I could hold my own for one more day, then maybe – just maybe – things would change and I would be able to reach Sydney. I would be able to finally find a way to help her.

I had just tried one more time to reach her with no results. It was the fifth time today – two more than I usually tried, but what the hell, it was Saturday. I felt a surge of frustration start to take over me and decided I couldn't go on only half-trying to find Sydney. I couldn't rely only on my own abilities to get her out of wherever it was the Alchemists had her locked up. Sydney was the one who always had an answer, who always came up with a plan, however crazy it was. But crazy has always been my specialty. That was why, while sitting on my couch, staring at an untouched glass of whiskey on the coffee table, something started taking shape on my mind. Something that had been haunting me lately, like an unfinished thought that refuses to leave you alone until it is fully acknowledged. I concentrated and let spirit control me once more, one last time that night.

I was going to pay a visit to Jared Sage's dreams.

* * *

A/N: This was supposed to be a one-shot story of a prompt my friend Lany gave me before Christmas: Marcus helping Sydney somehow. It was clear from the beginning for me that this had to be Adrian's POV, so when I saw where it was going, I realized it would have to be a multi-chapter fanfic. Oh well. We'll see how that goes. Let me know if you read/like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Unfinished Thoughts – Chapter 2**

Pulling Jared Sage into a spirit dream was slightly more difficult than normal. I had never met him, but I'd seen a picture or two, and Sydney had told me enough about him to allow me to finally reach him. If Sydney's reaction to the first time I pulled her into a spirit dream could serve as a reference, I knew her father would freak out. For that reason I decided to materialize us in the Moroi Court; go big or go home, I say.

From his initial reaction, Papa Sage didn't think much of my skills, probably assuming this was a regular dream. But he knew I was a vampire; I could see the disgust engraved on his eyes. For a long time I just strolled along the many Moroi portraits I had placed upon the walls; I had no idea who the hell they were but I made sure to have all our distinctive characteristics more pronounced.

After a while the realization that something was amiss seemed to hit him. I heard a sharp intake of breath and a flicker of fear reached his eyes for a fraction of a second, disappearing almost instantly to be replaced with his usual cold, judgmental stare. I could see how the Sage girls would feel intimidated by him, although the black cotton pajamas he was wearing – I hadn't conjured up any clothes for him, so those were his own at the time - made it difficult for me to find him anything other than amusing. That is, I would probably find him amusing if my heart hadn't been full of hate and despair for his share of responsibility at Sydney's fate. My dad was far from getting a Best Dad mug for Father's Day and he was usually a dick, but Jared Sage was on a whole different level of irresponsible parenthood.

A surge of violent thoughts took over me and for a moment, all I wanted was to smash his head against the wall. How dare he? How _could_ he do what he did to his own daughter? I didn't know what Sydney was going through, but she sure as hell hadn't been taken to a spa in the Bahamas. I was prone to taking the blame for everything, as her kidnapping was a result of our careless behavior but this guy in front of me was the reason Sydney was wherever she was. This guy, with his bigoted beliefs, his racist outlook at life, his personality incapable of love, was to blame as much as me, and perhaps even more.

I clenched my hands into fists to try and control my emotions. I couldn't let him see how much this was getting to me, how desperate I was for any scrap of information. If I were to get anything out of him, I had to play this right.

"It's you," he said, emotionless. When he realized I wasn't going to answer, he continued.

"You're him. The creature of darkness that corrupted my daughter. It's you."

His voice was even but I could hear a hint of uneasiness hidden beneath his calm tone. As if he expected me to attack him with my magic powers of deception and corruption at any moment. Or maybe he was just waiting for me to sink my teeth in his neck. I'd rather starve than drink his blood, but he didn't need to know that. His eyes wandered from me to the chandelier in the ceiling, to the pictures on the walls. His face didn't betray any emotions he might be experiencing, and I controlled the urge to see his aura. Not yet. There would be time for that later.

I stared at him for a few more minutes, neither confirming nor denying anything, before I started to make the pictures on the wall slowly disappear. Once again, he didn't let me see any reaction my magic might be having on him, and I wondered if he was just really good at poker or if he didn't have a heart at all and therefore couldn't feel anything. I was inclined to go with the second answer.

As the whole room started to fade away, I walked up to him as if meaning to touch him but keeping my distance, looked him in the eye and finally spoke my first words to him:

"I will never leave you alone."


	3. Chapter 3

**Unfinished Thoughts – Chapter 3**

I had already been at Clarence's for a while when Jill and the others arrived for her Friday night feeding. Maura had driven them, but she didn't stay. She never stayed, merely dropping them off and stopping by to pick them up two hours later. I was grateful. Sydney's absence was felt acutely enough without having another Alchemist there to drive the point home.

Jill ran into the house, hugging me as soon as she saw me. Neil, Eddie and Angeline came in right after her, greeting me briefly and taking their usual seats in the living room.

"Any news?" Jill asked, even though she knew through the bond that there hadn't been any. It both mollified me and irritated me that she felt the need to do that: on one hand, it was a reminder that Sydney had been gone for 34 days; on the other hand, Jill still believed I could reach her. That meant a lot, seeing as there weren't enough people around who actually believed in me.

"Nothing," I answered, and her face turned into a mixture of disappointment and confusion.

"But… but you've changed in this past week. You've been more hopeful, I can feel it."

I hadn't told Jill about my dream visits to Jared Sage, and I don't even know why. Partly it was because I knew Sydney wouldn't approve – not because it was her father, but for the constant use of spirit and the consequences it brought me. But it was also because I was tired of hitting walls, of having to admit that once again I had failed, that once again I couldn't reach her. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing the disappointment I felt every second of everyday printed on Jill's face.

I didn't visit Jared Sage's dreams every night. Nor did I have a regular schedule; sometimes I'd go twice a night, other times I'd leave him be for a day or two. Sometimes it would take me a long time to reach him, so I'd try Sydney instead, only to bump once again into the black wall that seemed to be separating her mind from me. Even though I wasn't exactly sure what my next step was or when I would be able to do something other than try and scare Big Sage by polluting his dreams with my filthy magic.

"You know me, Jailbait. I'm a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day," I said to lighten the mood, as I sat down next to her. Seeing Jill unhappy hurt me almost as much as not having Sydney around. I should know better, though; the bond wouldn't let me lie. She looked intently at me, ready to call me on my bullshit, but I was saved by my phone ringing. It was Marcus.

"Adrian," I answered, mostly because I knew it would annoy him.

"Yeah I know. I called you." The ghost of a smile reached my lips. "Listen, I have news."

I jumped from the couch, my heart racing. "Sydney? Where is she?"

Even though the high surge of emotion I was feeling at those three words he had just said prevented me from focusing on anything else, I could feel the others' staring at me, focused on my words and the meaning behind them.

"No, it's not Sydney. I'm sorry. I found her sister, Carly," Marcus said. The high I felt for those few seconds abandoned me at once, and I had to fight the darkness threatening to overcome me. This was impossible, I couldn't reach her, I would never be able to reach her and the Alchemists would win, they would strip her of everything that made her beautiful and unique, and it scared me that she wouldn't even remember me, remember what we had, when they were done with her, all because I couldn't reach her, I couldn't…

"Adrian!" Jill called my name, as she touched my hand and got the phone away from me. I closed my eyes, trying to fight the darkness by remembering all the times Sydney had brought me back, saying everything would be okay, remembering her eyes and the way she used to make me feel whole just by looking at me. Stupid and inadequate as I was, I was all she had right now, and I would be of no use for her if I let myself be dragged downs by my fits of hopelessness and despair.

When I came back to myself, everyone was looking at me, and Jill handed me back my phone.

"Marcus is waiting for you at Ms. Terwilliger's house," she said. "He found out where Sydney's older sister is staying at the moment. Adrian…"

I grabbed my key and gave Jill a quick hug. "I gotta go."

"Adrian, I'm coming with you," she said fiercely. "I don't think you should be going anywhere alone."

"Not in a million years. You have to drink your blood. I'm doing this alone."

"Then I'm coming," Eddie said. "Whatever it is you're planning – and we know you're planning something, Adrian – you might need protection."

"I appreciate the feeling," I said, "but Jill is staying so you are staying. And I'm pretty sure miss tight shoes has been watching us and giving regular reports to the Alchemists on any weird behavior, so we can't let them know we have a lead, as insignificant as it may be." Eddie couldn't hide the conflict that raged within him at my words. "Besides," I said as I reached the front door, "some paths are meant to be traveled alone."

* * *

A/N: That's it for now. I publish the chapters first on tumblr , and add them here when I have the time. Please drop me a line if you took the time to read it, feedback is much appreciated. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Unfinished Thoughts - Chapter 4**

I made it to Jackie's house in record time. It didn't worry that I might be pulled over; I could always use compulsion as my get out of jail free card. I knew I shouldn't rely on spirit, that I should avoid it unless it was necessary, but I couldn't help it. Without the drinks and without the pills, spirit was all I had. I'd give it up entirely if I could have Sydney back, and I wouldn't even miss it that much. But without her… I _needed _spirit. It was the only advantage I had in this battle I was getting ready to fight.

Marcus, Jackie and all her cats were waiting for me in the living room. I had been here a lot since Sydney was taken, but it still felt weird not having her walking around talking about magic and spells; I stood still for about ten seconds, holding my breath, waiting for her to come out of Jackie's office, her face pale, asking for orange juice…

"Adrian."

Marcus' voice brought me back to the present. I opened my eyes and put my old smile on, even though I knew it didn't reach my eyes. Sydney needed me. I could do this.

"I see you brushed your hair. Looks slightly less horrible than usual," I said, knowing I shouldn't antagonize him but not being able to resist anyway. Old habits die hard.

"I'd have put some gel on it if you had left any available for anyone else," he answered without missing a beat. I felt the muscles on my face stretching a bit more, my smile wanting to spread. This was familiar banter and I thought that if I could just close my eyes, I would hear Sydney's exasperated sigh, her voice telling us to get back to business…

"Here you go," Ms. Terwilliger – or Jackie, as she insisted on having me call her – said, touching my shoulder, and handing me a cup of tea as manner of greeting.

"Thank you, Jackie. Herbal tea or magic potion?" I asked, not sure what to do with it. I never cared much for hot drinks.

"Chai latte," she answered. "Not spiked, obviously. How are you holding up?"

I didn't sip the tea and I didn't answer her question. It was rhetorical anyway; she knew how I was holding up, they all knew. Even though Sydney and I had never confided in anyone apart from Jill, it was obvious now that something had been going on. It was even more obvious to Jackie, who had unknowingly helped us cover some of our secret meetings.

"You found Carly?" I asked Marcus, who had not gotten up from his seat yet. I didn't even bother sitting down; if his information were sound, I'd have to leave soon.

"Yeah. I got a tip from one of my inside sources saying she's in Idaho. No tips on either Sydney or Zoe, though. I don't think any of my sources are well-connected enough to have access to that kind of intelligence."

"Where in Idaho?"

"What are you planning on doing?" he asked cautiously, even as he propped his feet up Jackie's coffee table.

"That is none of your business. Where in Idaho?"

He eyed me suspiciously, trying to decide whether or not I was trustworthy. Apparently my good looks weren't enough to land me in Marcus' good graces.

"You know that whatever it is I'm planning is to get her back," I said calmly. "You owe it to her to do whatever you can to find her, after all she did for you."

"She didn't do it for me, mate, make no mistake. If it were up to me, she'd have left the Alchemists and broken her tattoo the moment she found herself doubting them. If it were up to me, she'd be safe now."

I shot from my seat and towards him, holding his shirt collar in my hand. He was too stunned to react.

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't say that to myself every minute of every day? You think I don't know it's my fault?"

As I voiced the thoughts that had been on my head since Sydney had been taken, my voice broke down and I released Marcus. It was true, all of it. It _was_ my fault. She would have been safe if I had left her alone, if I had never declared myself, if…

"Here," Jackie said, touching my shoulder and offering me tea for the second time. This time, I drank it, letting the hot liquid burn my throat. I deserved it. I deserved it all because Sydney was suffering because of me.

"Let's try and have a civilized conversation, shall we? Adrian, get back to your seat."

I resisted the urge to bark a "yes ma'am" to her, but remained where I was, gulping down my tea and staring at her defiantly. Marcus decided seating down probably was a tactical disadvantage and stood up, facing me. None of us said anything.

"Alright," Jackie went on after an uncomfortable silence. "What both of you seem to be forgetting in this scenario is the very person who brought us together and whom we're trying to help. Sydney is not a helpless damsel in distress that needs to be kept safe," she nodded at Marcus, "nor is she someone who would allow choices to be made for her," she said, looking at me. "Sydney is a brilliant, resourceful young woman who made her own decisions knowing the risks she was taking. Finger pointing who's to blame for what happened won't help you now, and most certainly won't help Sydney."

She sat back down on her chair, looking pointedly at both of us. Marcus was the first one to acknowledge Jackie was right, sitting down on the couch. I followed suit, knowing it was up to me to keep my emotions in check. I needed Marcus. _Sydney _needed Marcus.

"This one time last year," I started, "Sydney was summoned by the Alchemists to Virginia, apparently to bring them up to speed on how things were going here," I said carefully, making sure I didn't mention Jill or the mission. "It turns out they wanted her to see that other Alchemist guy, Keith, who was being held for working with a Moroi."

"Yeah," Marcus chimed in, "re-education. That's what they call it."

I clenched my fists, trying to stay focused.

"They asked her to give them her opinion about him. They wanted to know if she thought he was really being too friendly with vampires."

"That's common procedure, from what I hear," Marcus said. "They would want to be very thorough."

"So it's safe to assume that at some point they will ask Zoe and her son-of-a-bitch of a father to come and see her, right?"

Marcus opened his mouth, and closed it again immediately. I could almost see his brain working, trying to connect where my line of thought would lead me. I went for the overkill.

"I've been visiting Jared Sage's dreams."

"You what?"

"Look, right now we have no clue where she is. He's gonna have to go see her eventually, probably more than once. Isn't he one of the higher-ups in your society?" I didn't give him time to answer. "So I'm making sure he's afraid of falling asleep, I'm making sure he _knows_ I can make his life hell." I looked up at Marcus, who stared at me incredulously, and Jackie who had something else entirely in her eyes: it seemed like a mix of fear and… respect?

"You're haunting him?" Marcus asked.

"Yes," I said simply.

"And how is that going to help Sydney? Seems to me this will only make him want to increase security around her."

"Maybe," I said. "But it will also make him more likely to make mistakes. And it's leaving him a bit paranoid, which I enjoy."

"I feel like you're going somewhere with this, Adrian," Jackie chimed in.

"Maybe Carly can help us. I need to find out where he is, where Zoe is. One of them is going to lead us straight to Sydney."

"And then what?" Marcus asked.

"Then we bring her back. I haven't figured out how yet, but I know that the only to find where they're hiding her is through the Alchemists. We've tried magic, we've tried dreams, we've tried the Queen and none of it worked." I was beginning to get worked up again, but I couldn't stop, I needed Marcus to tell me where in Idaho Carly was. "I can't just sit still and do nothing anymore. Who knows what they're doing to her? Who knows how they're blocking her from magic and spirit dreams? Right now they're probably trying to break her, to destroy everything that she holds dear, to destroy everything that she is, and I can't sit still doing nothing. If there's even the slightest chance that following her asshole of a father will help me find her, then I have to do it. I have to do everything I can!"

Nobody spoke for what seemed like hours. They were probably trying to decide whether or not I was on the verge of madness, while I was calming myself down, thinking of how the sun made Sydney's hair shine brightly and of all the things I would do to her once we got her out of wherever she was.

"Seems like there's only one thing you boys can do now," Jackie said. "Idaho is far, and it will take you at least half a day to get there. How soon can you leave?


End file.
